The Day I Felt Like A Loser
And how a tiny insight years later helped me see FRUSTRATION in a new light
Have you ever felt like a loser?
I was outside the Connecticut DMV, my head hung in shame.
Even though I was a brown guy from India, people around me could see my face turn red.
I was angry because I successfully failed in my road test for the THIRD time.
I was ashamed because teenagers were passing their road tests in their FIRST attempt.
It was 2006, the year I first landed in the US on a work assignment.
I had no family or friends in Connecticut, didn’t know how to drive, and had a really hard time adjusting to the new lifestyle.
I didn’t have an iPhone, couldn’t afford a cab, and wasn’t friends with the ass-freezing temperatures.
A guy like me from Chennai (hottest place in South India) stood a near-zero chance of survival in a sub-zero climate such as Connecticut.
Thankfully I had awesome colleagues at IBM - kind-hearted folks who went out of their way to help me settle in.
Going back to my road tests, the ONE thing that separated the miserable 26-year-old me from the successful teens was…
COMPETENCE.
I didn’t have enough hours behind the wheel to practice for my road test.
It doesn’t matter what you’re into - art, music, teaching, programming, writing, starting a business, or housekeeping…
When you’re learning something new, you have zero to low competence.
As you slowly gain mastery with enough practice, you move into higher levels of competencies.
Fast forward to last year, when I was preparing for my NLP Coach Certification, I was amazed to learn about the four stages of competence as per the Conscious Competence Learning Model.
More on this in a sec…
But if you get this, it’ll save you from all the frustration, especially if you’re embarking on a new learning journey or life situation you haven’t encountered before.
It’s really so simple. You’d probably get the feeling you already know about it, but wouldn’t have guessed there’s a whole methodology behind it!
…and simply having the knowledge of this model in your back pocket will make you feel a lot more calm and confident because…
…you’ll know you’re not alone…
…you’ll know we all go through the same cycles…
…and most importantly, you’ll realize that frustration is part of the learning journey.
So, here we go…
The four stages of competence describe how people progress from ignorance to mastery of a skill. This model is often called the Conscious Competence Learning Model and was developed in the 1970s.
Stage 1: Unconscious Incompetence
You don't know what you don't know. At this stage, you're unaware of the skill's existence or importance, and you don't recognize your lack of ability. There's no motivation to learn because you don't see the need. For example, when I was a new driver, I did not realize how complex driving actually was until I got behind the wheel.
Stage 2: Conscious Incompetence
You become aware of your lack of skill and recognize its value. This awareness creates motivation to learn, though the extent of your deficiency might feel overwhelming. You understand that practice and learning are necessary to improve. When I reached this stage as a new driver, I realized I had to coordinate multiple tasks simultaneously and felt clumsy doing so.
Stage 3: Conscious Competence
You can perform the skill reliably, but it requires concentration and effort. You're competent but not yet fluent - you have to think through each step deliberately. When I reached this stage, I became a driver who could operate the vehicle safely but needed to focus intensely on each action like checking mirrors, signalling, and managing speed.
Stage 4: Unconscious Competence
The skill becomes second nature. You can perform it automatically without conscious thought, often while doing other things simultaneously. As I became an experienced driver who could navigate familiar routes while having conversations, listening to music, or thinking about other matters, my driving became largely automatic.
Understanding these stages helps manage expectations during learning and explains why acquiring new skills often feels uncomfortable before becoming natural.
Wasn’t that eye-opening?
It was to me when I first came across this model.
Every time I get started on a new learning journey, I’d measure my progress against the above chart to know where exactly I am and feel reassured that it’s only a matter of time before I reach Unconscious Competence in my learning journey.
Just having that knowledge would put my mind at ease and make me a better sport.
Now, if that intrigued you…
Did you know there’s a FIFTH LEVEL of competence?
Stage 5: Conscious Competence of Unconscious Competence
You can teach others and reflect on your automatic processes. This is valuable for mentoring and training others. If you’re a coach, trainer, or teacher, you fall under the above category - you probably weren’t aware of it!
What are you currently learning? Do you often get frustrated in your journey? Knowing what you know now, how do you feel about it? Let me know in the comments below.👇
Share with others what you just discovered. Sharing is caring!
About me
I’m an NLP-trained Mental Health Coach. My goal is to prevent you from hitting your rock bottom.
I help high-achievers overcome Anxiety, Addiction, and Low Self-worth before therapy or clinical intervention.
Email: guru@daivi.ca
Germinate is internet’s boldest advocate for Preventative Mental Health - on a mission to help 1 MILLION HUMANS escape Anxiety, Addiction and Low Self-worth before they escalate.
This publication tackles the grey-areas that leave high-achievers hesitant to reach out - the “not bad enough” zone where you’re struggling but dismissed as too trivial for therapy.
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