Stop Fixing Yourself - You're NOT Broken
How to Grow Without the Pressure to Be ‘Better'
I give myself permission to stop striving to be the best version of myself and be the truest version instead.
This is a guest post by Dr. Tamy Faierman M.D. Dr. Tamy is a plastic surgeon turned SOUL surgeon/transformational coach living and creating the path of self-discovery through self-inquiry, mindfulness, and present moment awareness.
Follow Dr. Tamy’s publication Permission Slips on Substack.
My Story
Do you agree that our western culture is steeped in a mindset that glorifies constant improvement, achievement, and self-optimization?
The pressure to be the best version of ourselves comes from a variety of societal, cultural, and psychological influences that push us toward striving, often at the expense of simply being.
My greatest influence in this arena came from my father.
His words still echo in my mind from way back when I was a pigtail wearing, platinum blond little girl. He reminded me at the park, while pushing me on the swings; say it out loud at family dinners; and visit my night dreams with:
“You’re the best, Tamy, who’s the best? You’re the best.”
He didn’t say it as if offering a suggestion or an option, it was more of a directive. One that became a mantra, shaping every corner of my life.
Be the best in school.
Be the best daughter.
Be the best wife, mother, doctor, boss — be the best at everything you do.
And so I followed dutifully and perfectly.
I became the best in medical school, graduated number one in my class; conquered the grueling demands of a surgical residency in the ‘90s ( a young woman in a sea of misogynistic men); and earned a best fellow of the year award in my fellowship. Then I went on to build a thriving solo private practice, and several years later built an adjunct wellness center.
Somewhere in the midst of all this I birthed five children, tended to my bustling household, and juggled it all with the precision and energy of an olympic archer, aiming at an illusive bullseye. On the outside, I met each milestone of the invisible gold standards, exactly as my father had reminded me to do : be the best.
But inside, something was unraveling.
Even as I walked down the aisle at my own wedding, my father couldn’t resist. My parents were newly divorced and avoiding each other. As we walked the length of the aisle towards my soon-to-be-husband, my father held my right elbow and and my mother held my left, with me squeezed between.
I felt like the stem of a flower pressed between two jagged rocks — struggling to stand tall and beautiful for the occasion, yet quietly fearing I’d be crushed by the weight of their unresolved history .
Along the entire walk down the aisle my father whispered in my ear through a forced smile :
“You’re the best, who’s the best, you’re the best.”
I couldn’t believe this lifelong catchphrase was taking centre stage at one of the most important days of my life.
“Stop it Dad, stop it,” I told him through a plastered smile, trying to maintain my composure by deeply breathing into my snug A-line wedding dress.
After the wedding incident I thought for sure I would never want to be the best in anything in my life again. But long held beliefs are hard to break and it took eleven long years of striving, thriving, and aiming to be the best, before it all came to a head one night when I found myself on the floor of my walk-in closet.
Tears streaming down my face, a la Eat Pray Love dark-night-of-the-soul moment, my five kids in bed, dishes were done, my patients were all stable — and yet, there I was, crumpled and empty. I had done it all, achieved it all, been it all. And yet…
For the first time I asked myself a question I had never dared to ask before:
“Who am I if I’m not the best?”
The Turning Point : My Path From Best to Truest
My shift from best to truest started with another question : “What do I really want?”
For so long I had lived according to an external definition of success and what it meant to be the best. This question invited me to explore my own definitions more deeply. I realized I didn’t want to be the best anymore — I wanted to be the truest, most authentic version of myself. But I had no idea where to begin.
The first thing I did was give myself permission to pause; to stop striving, if only for a moment. I started carving out pockets of stillness — not to achieve anything — but just to be.
I practiced stillness in the most mundane of spaces in my life —sitting quietly in the car for three minutes before entering the hospital for morning rounds and walking slower on my way to the operating room, fully present with every step. Even breathing deeply on the driveway before stepping into the beautiful chaos of a five-children household, became a revolutionary act in my hyper-productive world.
My shift didn’t all happen in one day. It was a process that involved having the support of a therapist, Dana, for the first time in my life. Most people think that doctors/surgeons are exempt from the chaos of life just due to their profession, but I assure you that intellectual intelligence has nothing to do with emotional intelligence.
You can be book smart and a wonderful doctor and yet not be connected to the inner workings of your past trauma and emotional heart.
Dana helped me untangle my thoughts and beliefs. I got to look at my lifelong held beliefs that success required external achievements, validation, and accolades.
Over time, I shifted to a new definition of success — such as creating heartfelt conversations, following my creative spark, and having a day where I honored my own needs. I went back to my journaling practice where I peeled back the layers of ‘best’ to uncover ‘truest’. Meeting myself on the page without filtering any thoughts or emotions was truly cathartic, and a practice I continue to engage in to this day.
I stopped trying to be perfect in everything —except in the operating room where it was warranted— and embraced the messiness of my life. Laundry was left unfolded and dishes were left undone in the sink. Allowing myself to be imperfect felt like the freedom I didn’t know I needed.
I began to take full responsibility for my life, taking ownership of my choices - emotionally, psychologically, physically, financially, intellectually, and spiritually. This shift brought me into living from a space of authenticity and connection, rather than an egoically-conditioned-hamster-on-the-wheel kind of life.
I never blamed my father or society, my path was all about waking up to the truest and most aligned version of myself and reclaiming my agency.
One of the hardest things I learned (and still work on) as I shed the best version of myself for the truest version is to say no to things that didn’t align with my truest self. For us recovering people-pleasers, it takes time and practice to speak this little word as a powerful act of self-care.
Every ‘no’ created space for a more authentic ‘yes’. I stopped asking “How can I impress others"?” and started asking, “How can I honor myself?” Whether it was in my marriage, my work, or my parenting, I began showing up with more honesty and vulnerability, even when it felt scary. Especially when it felt scary.
What is the Difference Between the Best and the Truest Self?
Here are some core differences I’ve found helpful to distinguish when I’m making a decision in my life from a space of striving for my best self versus being my truest self.
Best Version
future-focused and outcome-oriented
comes from external pressure
has a striving energy
involves performance
is conditional
often demands effort and improvement (fixing yourself)
rooted in goals
Truest Version
present-focused
comes from authenticity
has a peaceful energy
involves connection
is unconditional (not outcome-oriented)
implies natural growth from being authentic
rooted in self acceptance
Overlap
At times our best self aligns with our truest self.
One example of this is how I transformed from plastic surgeon to Soul Surgeon. The transformational self-discovery coaching work I do is in deep alignment with who I am. There is no separation. I live from this true self in all the spaces of my life.
So, building a local and international community around the work I do requires intention and goal-orientation AND simultaneously, I’m doing this work from the fullest alignment with my truest self.
Makes sense?
One helpful question to check in is to ask yourself :
Am I doing this because it feels authentic to me or because I think I should do it? (more supportive questions below in the journaling prompts).
What I Gained on This Path
As I walked this path I discovered a version of myself I had never met before — the one who could sit in imperfection and still feel whole.
I learned that I didn’t have to prove my worth through endless accomplishments because my worth was already inherent within.
Throughout this evolution, and shapeshifting, I found joy in the simplest moments — laughing with my kids without worrying about the to-do list, savoring the quiet of a sunset in the hammock of my backyard, or simply allowing myself to take a guilt-free rest without needing to make up an excuse that I have a headache.
My relationships deepened as I began to show up more autethnically, no longer hiding behind the mask of ‘the best.’
And mostly, I discovered that my truest self wasn’t about abandoning the ambition to grow — it was about aligning with what truly mattered to me, instead of with what the world/ family/ friends/ colleagues/ children expected of me.
Closing Thoughts
To know you’re being your truest self, begin to develop a listening practice to your inner voice rather than external (ego) voice.
Your truest self isn’t about perfecting or improving; it’s about embracing the messy, beautiful, evolving version of who you are right now.
A Message for Those of You on This Journey (You Know Who You Are!)
To any of you who feels stuck in the endless chase to be ‘the best',’ I offer you this :
Stop for a moment
Pause
Sit with yourself
Ask the questions you’ve been too busy to ask
Give yourself permission to simply be, even if for just a moment.
Inhale
Exhale
You might find, as I did, that the best version of yourself pales in comparison to the truest one.
Your truest self is waiting—not at the top of the ladder — but in the quiet spaces between the rungs.
Journaling Prompts
What does ‘being true to myself’ mean to me?
If no one was watching would I still make the same choices and do the things I’m making today?
What am I doing right now that feels like it’s just for me vs. for how others perceive me (or for external validation?)
Am I more focused on embracing who I am or improving who I am?
How can I honor who I am right now while still allowing space for growth?
I invite you to write your own PS : I give myself permission to…
Offerings from Dr. Tamy
1:1 Session: if you feel connected to the path of self-discovery, take the next step by scheduling a complimentary 30-minute zoom, 1:1 meet up with Dr. Tamy
Free Resources: if you would like additional free resources on how to begin on the path of self-discovery, please send your inquiry via DM.
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Thanks for restacking @Heart Warrior Mama 🙏✨🥰
That really is a powerful way to look at it. Best self and truest self should be the same thing. Otherwise, it just feels like putting on a mask. Living from that mindset must feel freeing. It’s simple but makes such a big difference. I love that perspective!